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Christy Catherine Marshall

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April 30, 2007

I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do … I know that nothing good lives within me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Romans 7: 15, 18
(New International Version)

During the summer of my freshman year in college, a friend of mine shared these verses with me. I read the whole passage, from Romans 7:7 to 7:25, over and over again. How could Paul know exactly how I was feeling? That there was a constant battle going on within me. The War Within.

For the first time, I began to feel like the Bible became my daily Bread; I would die without it. At the age of 19, I devoted my life to studying God’s Word and to following His call on me to teach it to others. In college, I taught Bible studies in my dorm room. In my 20s, I taught the Bible in a Japanese Christian church. I started a ministry for international students that met weekly for prayer and spiritual growth.

In my 30s, I’ve been frustrated at my lack of time and energy. Being a mom is so consuming — especially when I have five little people who need me for everything, constantly. I’m so thankful for the ways the Lord has blessed me, yet the War Within never leaves me — as I battle so many issues.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve probably noticed that I’ve written less and less about myself as time has gone on. I’ve focused mainly on external topics: books, people, movies, culture. I’ve felt less comfortable lately in revealing my personal thoughts in this format. I can’t really explain why — perhaps it’s just the terrifying immediacy of reaching an audience. I often need time to process things I go through — and I also appreciate a “gatekeeper,” such as another writer or editor who first reads my work before it’s published.

I know that in order for me to really do the kind of writing I’d like to do I must take some time away from this blog. It’s not the posting itself that takes up time; it’s all the correspondence that goes on behind the scenes. I’m receiving more and more press releases and requests from authors, publicists, publishers, etc.; and since I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, I spend a lot of my creative energy responding to people in polite, positive ways.

In college, I learned this spiritual equation:
Delayed Obedience = Disobedience.

I want to do what God wants me to do, yet I also want to do what I want to do! It really is a war within. I’m confused right now — and I wrote a friend last week that I’m dealing with most of my stress at the gym. Whereas it used to take me a mile of running to process my emotions and feel energetic again, now it takes two or three. Maybe I’ll be a size 4 by the time I get through this stress!

I’ve told a few people through email, but I’ll make it public here that I’m not going to be blogging after May 18th. At this point, I’m not sure if it will just be for the summer, or if it will be a more permanent change. I will definitely let you know.

Some of you who read here are old friends who only connect with me through this blog. And there are many of you who are new friends I don’t want to lose touch with. I’m sorry to disappoint you if you truly enjoy reading here, and especially if you’ve linked to me. I can’t tell you how much you’ve encouraged me!

I still have a couple of interviews to post, some more books and movies to share about … and then, I will log out of WordPress. Until further instruction.

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