Today, for the first time ever here on Mom 2 Mom Connection, we have a mother/daughter duo visiting with us. I’m thrilled to host author T. Suzanne Eller AND her mom discussing Suzie’s new book, The Mom I Want to Be.

Suzie is a mother of three grown children and lives with her husband of 26 years in Oklahoma. She’s the founder of daretobelieve ministries, author of several Christian books, and is a nationally recognized speaker to teens, parents, and women.

She’s been featured on radio shows such as At Home Live, Aspiring Women, Focus on the Family, Prime Time, and Mid-Day Connection, sharing her zest for life and relevant faith. Suzie has also published hundreds of articles in magazines such as Today’s Christian Woman, Guideposts, and Woman’s World, and she’s a family columnist for cbn.com.

Welcome, Suzie! You’ve got a new book out for women, The Mom I Want to Be. Can you tell us about it?
It’s a practical and spiritual resource for women who were raised in dysfuction or experienced a painful past, and who want to give their children greater memories than they received.

Why did you decide to write it?
I was approached by a publishing team after teaching a workshop titled “Pushing Past Your Past” at the Hearts at Home national conference for moms. I was a little unsure that this was a good topic to share at this conference, but after the workshop, women lined up and down the aisle and out the door to share their stories, and how they connected with what was taught.

I hesitated when approached because I didn’t want to reach thousands of women, and yet hurt my own mom. She’s not the same person she once was, but at the same time, does any mom want her mistakes held up to the world for review?

I was prepared to put it down, and yet my mom not only said, “yes”, but came on board with me. I asked her to write the intro to each chapter, and to share her story. I didn’t realize at the time how much more powerful that made the story, and the points in the book. As I read the completed chapters I was in awe.

How did your mom feel about your writing this book?
[Suzie’s mom, Karen Morrison, answered this question.]

At first I was very apprehensive. Then I prayed about it and thought if this will bring healing to my children and others, God will give me the courage to face whatever comes my way. Since handing out several of the books to ladies suffering from childhood hurts, I am so very thankful that I did go through with my story in the book.

I can personally tell you that your writing had a big impact on me, and I’m so glad you wrote this book together. It was so meaningful to see what both of you were experiencing at the same time, as mother and daughter, and I think this is what makes your book one of the most unique books I’ve ever read. Did any healing come about as a result of writing this book?

Yes, several things happened during the writing process. One, I realized where my love for writing came from. Mom had her first child really young and wasn’t able to finish school. She’s very smart, but this is something that bothers her. As I read the pages she sent to me, I was impressed with the depth of her writing ability. She was worried about spelling and commas, but what I saw was a woman who could communicate beautifully.

The second thing is that there were stories I had never heard. I didn’t know that my mom was molested at five years old. It certainly broadened my perspective. I saw mom as healed, but I never had seen her fully as the little girl going through her own pain as a child. That brought a much deeper sense of compassion for her, but also admiration for what has taken place in her life in the past 10 years.

What can women do if they don’t get along with their moms now because of things that happened in the past?

It depends, Heather. If a parent is still destructive (say, an abusive alcoholic), she must set boundaries that will help that relationship heal, or at least not be destructive. These aren’t rules to punish a parent, but guidelines to share your needs with a mom or dad who creates havoc in your life, your marriage, or your children’s lives.

But what if a mom has healed? Is she in “time out” forever? Is guilt a tool to make her pay for her past sins? Or are you able to begin new memories? In my family, this was a process and some are still working on it, but I felt so free the day I realized that I could love my mom for what she had become. She also became free. She knew that our relationship was a safe one, and she could be what God called her to be, rather than holding back to pay penance for my childhood.

You wrote a chapter called “The Power of Perspective.” How does that apply specifically to moms today?

When you’ve grown up with abuse, neglect, or addiction, the pain of your childhood can loom large in your life, and everything filters through that perspective.

For example, if a child embarrasses you verbally or throws a fit in Wal-Mart, the person who filters that through the past will say, “Why would you do that to me?” It becomes personal, rather than an opportunity to teach your child how to speak with respect or to handle his anger better.

This “filter” expands to other relationships. You see things through your self-image and the words spoken over you in the past. You struggle with confidence. You might struggle to forgive small infractions by friends or family.

Shifting your perspective means that you change your focus to who you are now, what you have now, and what you are becoming. That allows the past to take its rightful size in your life. It’s there, but it’s not looming over everything.

I share with women that your past is a very small part of who you are. It shaped you, yes; but it doesn’t define you or keep you from becoming all that God intended.

How would we use this book as a resource for teaching a group of women about motherhood?

I’ve created an intimate Bible study where small groups of women can work through this together. I share instructions on how to minister to people with painful pasts, and how to gain trust as friends and beautiful women working toward growth and change and healthy parenting patterns and perspectives.

Thank you so much, Suzie and Mrs. Morrison, for taking the time to share your thoughts here! I really enjoyed The Mom I Want to Be and will treasure it as I strive to become a more joyous mom.

T. Suzanne Eller may be reached at her websites, Dare to Believe and The Mom I Want to Be. She also blogs for teens along with several other Christian authors at Girls, God, and the Good Life.