A Mom 2 Mom reader sent me a question that I didn’t know how to answer. So I found an expert, Brenda Nixon, who’s written a book on how to deal with behavior in young children.

Question:

I’d really love to get your opinion about a situation we have with our 3- year old, if you wouldn’t mind. He is ALL BOY! I know that little boys have an aggressive energy about them by nature and they are more physical in their interaction, etc. However, I am having a hard time channeling his energy for the good and not getting frustrated with him. He is just being really aggressive with the other kids in his preschool class and with me at home. He is pushing, pinching, talking back to me, and his favorite is to just run into someone with the full force of his whole body. When I got pregnant with him I felt the Lord give me a specific word for him: “strong”. That has been true in every aspect of his personality since day one. I want him to keep his wonderful strength of heart and mind and body but I am running out of ideas as to how to help him have an obedient spirit. My family has anger issues in our past and I already see that coming out in him a little bit. I am just trying to get as much advice as I can so I don’t show him anger when administering discipline. I would love to know if you have any suggestions.

Here’s what Brenda says:

Often, 3-year olds are becoming more independent and have lots of energy. You are right in wanting to channel this to be expressed in positive, appropriate ways. If he is a first-born he’s probably a perfectionist and strong leader. Many of our U.S. presidents were first-born children.

To help your son, always make sure you’re a good role model. When you are excited or frustrated, keep calm. During discipline times, stay matter-of-fact and don’t scream at him. Remember, your son is watching YOU — his most influential teacher. You might say things like, “I feel frustrated. I’m going to exercise or take a bath.” This teaches your son two things: everyone has powerful emotions, and there are appropriate ways to exhaust them.

It’s admirable you want him to keep his strength of heart and mind and body, but being his first and most influential teacher, you must also teach him to respect others. Pushing, pinching, talking back, and running full force into someone in preschool might cause physical and mental anguish to the others so it cannot be tolerated. Talk with his teacher to come up with a mutual plan on how to end this aggression. He needs to learn appropriate ways to channel his feelings. Preschoolers need patience and persistent, calm correction.

At home, help his language development by reading lots of books. When children learn to use words they will express themselves with words rather than actions, like running into people. Check out books from your local library and make some of them on feelings. Kids love to be read to, so read a book to your son during neutral, non-aggressive, times when he’ll be more receptive to the lesson you’re trying to teach. All feelings come from God. There’s nothing wrong with feelings – only how we use them.

Since you say your family has anger issues in your past, then I might also suggest you see a family counselor for other behavior management techniques.

Brenda Nixon is a parenting speaker, columnist, and author of Parenting Power in the Early Years and Writers Who Speak.

Wow — I think no matter what age our children are, she’s given us some great ideas. Thanks for stopping in, Brenda!